In an effort to keep up with all of my imaginary fan mail, I've compiled a list of frequently asked questions that might arise if I had fans. Or in case any of the three of you want to know this.

Q: Did your parents beat you when you were a child? Is that why you're like this?

A: No. My parents were imbued with superhuman amounts of self-restraint and refrained from wounding me as child except for that one time my dad nearly broke my arm killing a bumblebee that was stinging me but he meant well and I've totally gotten over it and hardly flinch now when I see a bee or my dad.

Q: Why must you blog about such awkward personal subjects like colonoscopies and your breasts?

A: Because I'm emotionally stunted and have no boundaries.

Q: Isn't your family mortified by the way you act/speak/are?

A: Yes, but they blame nature vs nurture.

Q: Sometimes you write about cats. You're a crazy cat lady, aren't you?

A: Yes. Crazy sad I don't have a cat. Or a dog. Or a petite lap giraffe.

Q: You are ridiculous - are you making this stuff up?

A: Of course not. Unless you want to sue me for something. Then definitely.

Q: What's this Lyme you're always griping about?

A. I was diagnosed with chronic Lyme disease seven months after suffering a physical breakdown in July of 2012. I began treatment in March 2013. My life now revolves around a tedious schedule of shooting IV medications and popping pills, killing spirochetes and detoxifying my systems. My pee stinks, I sweat rivers, I stutter, drool, tremble and cramp, and I can't yet drive or work.

Q: How is it possible that you are single?

A: I know, right?

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