Q: Did your parents beat you when you were a child? Is that why you're like this?
A: No. My parents were imbued with superhuman amounts of self-restraint and though they must have wanted to beat me every day, they never did. Except for that one time my dad nearly broke my arm killing a bumblebee that was stinging me...but he meant well and I've gotten over it.
Q: Why must you blog about such awkward and personal subjects like colonoscopies and your breasts?
A: Because I figure that if I have to suffer by being me, you ought to suffer as well. But remember - you're choosing to suffer. Nobody's making you read this smut.
Q: Isn't your family mortified by the way you act/speak/write?
A: Yes, but they gave up on trying to change me midway through my teenage years since there was very little return on their investment.
Q: Sometimes you blog about cats. You're a crazy cat lady, aren't you?
A: My man has a cat, not me. I'm just the wicked stepmother.
Q: Your blog is ridiculous - are you making this stuff up?
A: Nope, I just happen to be a drama magnet with a knack for spinning the inconsequential into mammoth proportion. The only time I lie is at the doctor ("Oh, you know - I'm a social drinker." "Well, I smoke once in a while." "Of course I exercise regularly." "Yes, I really need that Xanax for my...um...fear of flying!)
Q: Why do you do this? Isn't it a waste of time?
A: I do it because I'm a born cynic and if I don't make myself laugh at my life, you might find me teetering on the window ledge of a 12-story building. I figure that laughter is a more desirable outcome than splattering on the sidewalk like a watermelon, so I write.
Q: Do you get paid to do this?
A: Well, Oprah's been begging me to write a book so she can read it in her book club, but I don't wanna sell out. So, nope. I blog for the sheer love of it.
However, I do accept cash, checks, love letters, gift cards, flowers and chocolate. Oh, and fortune cookies. I LOVE fortune cookies. I do not accept bills requesting reimbursement for the minutes of your life you've wasted reading my blog. I'm sorry, but you'll never get them back.