Friday, January 11, 2013

Dear Diary

When we were 30, my girlfriend found her junior high diary. Over cocktails, we read it aloud, quite literally rolling with laughter.

The entire diary can be summed up here:

Dear Diary, I think I like Mike. But Rob is cute too, but I don't know because Jeff was smiling at me during passing time and I heard he likes Jenny but the way he looked at me makes me think he probably likes me so I wonder if I should like him instead. But Mike is SO hot. I just don't know what to do.

Now I'm keeping a diary, but not about boys. I have to record what I'm doing/feeling for the whole 48 hours I'm wearing the holter heart monitor. Then the cardiologist will read my diary while comparing it to my heart rate during those noted times. I'm guessing he'll pour a cocktail, too, because this is not nearly as scintillating reading as Sarah's diary.

I've decided to share my diary with you, dear readers. Go get a drink. I insist.

1/9/13 3:30 PM
Ate toast and drank V8.

1/9/13 4:50 PM
Argued with husband.

1/9/13 5:30 PM
Ate dinner.

1/9/13 6-6:30 PM
Petted cat.

1/9/13 7 PM
Took Klonopin for muscle cramps.

1/9/13 8:30 PM
Went to bed.

1/10/13 9:55 AM
Wake up. Try to poop. Epic fail.

1/10/13 10:00 AM
Drink V8, eat toast.

1/10/13 10:10 AM
Stub toe, stutter obscenities. Cry.

1/10/13 10:20 AM
Walk to coffee shop two blocks away. OK, fine - one block. But two blocks sound like I exerted myself more.

1/10/13 11:30 AM
Return from two one block walk and lay down to rest.

1/10/13 1:00 PM
Draft 'why you fire me' email to my boss, who I guess is now my ex-boss.

1/10/13 1:30-2 PM
Light housework. Took out garbage and vacuumed.

1/10/13 2-4 PM

1/10/13 5:20 PM
Eat pot roast and carrots.

1/10/13 6:05 PM
Vomit pot roast and carrots.

1/10/13 7:15 PM
Play board game with husband. He won.

1/10/13 8:15 PM
Husband lures me to bedroom with promise of a back massage

1/10/13 8:19 PM
Backrub turns into marital relations because, and I quote, my husband 'wants to have sex with a robot'. He suggests that I mark this period in the diary as 'running up and down stairs'. He's quite confident, that one, and really wants to know what my heart rate was during this time. I told him not to get his hopes up since they had to give me a shot of atropine in the hospital to get my heart rate above 100, even while I was cycling full speed.

1/10/13 8:35 PM
Replace electrode pads on all my lead wires now that Mark has smushed them all loose.

1/10/13 9:00 PM
Tuck all my wires into various layers of jammies and go to bed.

1/11/13 3:30 AM
Wake up to charley horses in calves. Writhe in pain. Get up to pee and knock monitor out of jammies. Panic and wait to be electrocuted when it lands in the toilet. It misses and I live. Do stretching exercises in the dark living room to loosen cramps. Cry.

1/11/13 4:30 AM
Husband gets up to go to work and asks me what the hell I'm doing on the couch. Go back to bed.

1/11/13 7:00 AM
Wake up. Poop. Go back to bed.

1/11/13 9:30 AM
Get ass out of bed for realsies. Drink V8 and scratch as hard as I can around all the electrode patches. Wonder if I can stand the itching for one more day. Kiss the cat. Eat yogurt.

1/11/13 10:00 AM
Took Klonopin for muscle cramping and translated this diary for your reading pleasure.

1/11/13 10:01 AM
Realized my life is even more pathetic than I thought.

1/11/13 10:30 AM
Back to bed.

But I still have several more hours to go with the holter, so who knows? Maybe something will happen to make this diary half as entertaining as Sarah's. I'd hold my breath, but with a heart rate this low, that might be the end of my diary.


  1. I'm kinda wondering if the doctor will see a change in your heart rate from 1/11/13 at 7:00 AM....

  2. Hey, you're life is as about exciting as my life. Other than add 4 dogs to the pet mix..and the cat is in heat...

  3. luffs V8.

    And pooping. Pooping is good too.


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