Sunday, January 6, 2013

Be Gay for World Peace

Life would be so much easier if I were gay.

Now before you go all Dan Savage on me about gay hardship, hear me out, I'm on to something.

We should all be gay. Here's why.

Two things are required to make a marriage run smoothly, communication and a reasonable compromise on the thermostat, and no man and woman will ever master these two things together.



Communication in our house at times resembles foreigners shouting in one another's face, thinking that volume will compensate for an utter inability to understand each other's language.

ME: LET'S TALK ABOUT OUR FEELINGS.
HUBS (WIGGLING HIS JUNK): MY FEELINGS ARE DOWN HERE.
ME: SERIOUSLY? GET OUT OF HERE.
HUBS (STILL WIGGLING, NOW POINTING SOUTH IN CASE I MISSED HIS POINT): HE'S READY TO TALK.

Mark thinks our thermostat is set at a reasonable temperature when it indicates it's 63 degrees inside the house, which is clearly actually closer to 40 real degrees. C'mon, the thermostat is older than I am, and we have no insulation. FALSE POSITIVES.

A lesbian wouldn't turn the thermostat down two degrees for every one I try to inch it upward. We would be way too busy endlessly analyzing our feelings and having thoughtful romantic dinners that don't end in sex. It would nice to be warm enough to wear fewer than four layers at a time.

You know, the thermostat issue alone is probably responsible for thousands of domestic violence calls worldwide. More gay couplings would result in a dramatic decrease in household assaults.

Fewer criminals means less overcrowded prisons. Corrections officers could focus more on rehabilitation than basic crowd control.

I've made up a new word to describe the next benefit if everyone were gay, because Webster submits to peer pressure now and I think the word is pretty catchy. Men all around the world would be submissified. I suspect getting porked in the butt would humble them all just a bit. Less ego and a touch of a limp. If more men truly understood the feeling of being drilled, perhaps they'd stop trying to hump their wives eight times a day. I think ultimately it would result in less aggressive men, sort of like when you neuter a dog. But more humane.

More gay marriages would result in fewer unplanned pregnancies and let's be honest - there are more than enough neglected oopsies running amok already. If gay people have a baby it means they thought it through, they likely suffered through a battery of emotional and financial readiness testing, and they are choosing to parent that child together.

These are just a few of the brilliant thoughts that raced through my head last night as I shivered under the covers in my mountains of fleece, my naked husband snoring contentedly beside me. I had no idea that insomnia and the goosebumps could result in world peace, but I'm pretty sure I've stumbled onto the answer.

Let's be gay.

8 comments:

  1. Brilliant. It doesn't make me want to do yoga with an additional salami, but brilliant.

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  2. I guess that's one solution. :) As for the temperature thing, I knew it was a love match when Rick said he came from a "cold" house. His mom kept the thermostat so low he always froze. He promised a warm house forever. Man of my dreams!

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  3. I like your idea, besides chick on chick is always waaay hot!!!

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  4. Hilarious post, Trish. In my house it's the opposite. My wife constantly turning the thermostat down and me taking three hot showers a day to wash the goosebumps off.

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  5. there are some seriously compelling reasons to head for vaginatown. more snuggling and talking, less humping and random boob grabs.

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  6. I already am.

    Just don't tell my husband.

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  7. Hilarious post. I love the way your mind thinks outside of the box. Definitely a unique blog, which is something that is sorely needed on the interwebs.

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  8. If I were a woman I would defiantly be a lesbian.

    Funny post, things are the opposite here also, the girlfriend wants it three times a day, and sleeps naked but sometimes I just want to relax.

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