Top Ten Scariest Things about Halloween

 

10. This is Minnesota. Every year you get an amazing costume and then every year your mother ruins it by making you wear a coat. It's only a matter of time until the psycho gunfire that misfits use to take out schools is adopted by disgruntled trick-or-treaters and the parents are left splattered on the porch next to the jack-o-lanterns.

9. This is Minnesota. Go downtown and you'll still see hundreds of twentysomethings dressed as anything that allows them to be half naked. But really? A frozen slut? Is kind of scary.

8. This is Minnesota. In 1991, the Halloween Blizzard would have buried any trick or treaters alive that weren't five feet or taller. That was scary.

7. This is my life. It's only a matter of time until Mark leaps from beneath or behind something to yell at me. I'm just praying it's not at the top of the stairs again. It really wouldn't look like a murder if I fell down the steps and broke my neck. And that? Is scary.

6. Clowns. That is all.

5. The older kids who bully the little ones and take their candy. Because if your youth begins with mugging toddlers, it's scary to picture you  in fifteen or twenty years.

4. Our jack-o-lanterns are very scary. Not the detail in their faces, but the mold. Guess we carved em too early. Now I'm scared to touch them.

3. The women who just shouldn't. You know who I'm talking about. Go to any bar having a costume contest. They? Are scary.

2. The Unicef pennies. Who uses pennies? Who wants pennies? Has anyone ever met someone who works for Unicef? It's a front for some pervert with a penny fetish. He rolls around in them naked before he gives them out. Now that's scary.

But the scariest thing about Halloween?

1. On Halloween ten years ago, my brother's close friend was murdered after being split off from the group he went partying with that night. PLEASE STAY IN GROUPS. We miss Chris Jenkins and the fact that he was a young, strong college guy when he was overtaken and killed? That's scary.