Lessons from the Litter Box

In 2009, my anxiety was at an all-time high. I was stuck in a shitty job working for a guy who was proving to be bipolar and shady. I was barfing daily from stress and looking for ways to cope so I began going to meditation classes.

In theory the classes were brilliant. A group of people looking to better their own meditation practices through group sitting and nonjudgmental discussion. Except I'm not nonjudgmental so I spent most of my time judging the others in my head and trying not to giggle out loud - especially over the one dude who always wore pants so tight his business was on display when he sat, zen-like, upon his cushion.

Lately I've been working with a new zen master, though - the cat. She's truly the most relaxed being I know and she's far less creepy than the gnome-y guy who led the meditation workshops. Here are the lessons I've been learning at her wise, wise feet.

 - Sleep on important decisions

 - Never pass up an opportunity to cuddle

- Always keep one eye open when someone is cooking

- Don't overcommit yourself

- Sleep on trivial decisions

 - Lick your own ass - nobody else will do it for you

 - It's OK to eat butter off the counter if you don't get caught in the act

 - Sleep between decisions

 - Kiss wholeheartedly, even if you have tuna breath

 - Save your hisses - they're most effective when used sparingly

 - Two are warmer than one

- Trick people into a second breakfast whenever possible

And perhaps the wisest lesson one can learn from a cat:

 - The most effective management tactic is the illusion of submission