I swear.
There are two things you need to know about my husband. First, he is missing a filter. Second, he is missing a filter. Thoughts bubble forth from his mouth randomly and unchecked. Here are a some of the most romantic and Christmassy conversations from around our place this weekend, served over ice.
With a twist.
Pour one for me while you're at it.
*************************
HUSBAND (IN A FRIENDLY, CONVERSATIONAL TONE): You'd be a super easy person to murder.
ME: Excuse me? What the fuck?
HUSBAND: No, seriously. You're so clumsy. I could just push you down the basement stairs. You'd break your neck and everyone would totally believe you tripped and fell.
ME: WHAT THE FUCKETY FUCK!?
HUSBAND: I'm just saying...
*************************
HUSBAND FARTS.
ME: Did you just rip ass?
HUSBAND: No, it's my Christmas cheer.
ME: What?
HUSBAND: Yeah. I have so much Christmas cheer, it's leaking out.
*************************
I OPEN MAIL.
HUSBAND: What is it?
ME: State Farm wants me to buy additional life insurance coverage.
HUSBAND: That's not a bad idea.
ME (PANICKING AS I RECALL PREVIOUS CONVERSATION ABOUT BASEMENT STEPS): YOU'RE TOTALLY GOING TO MURDER ME, AREN'T YOU!?
I BACK UP FEARFULLY...AND TRIP, THEREBY PROVING HIS ORIGINAL POINT AND SENDING US BOTH INTO MAD FITS OF LAUGHTER.
*************************
HUSBAND (TO CAT, AS HE PULLS HER TAIL): You're fat as shit!
ME: It's Christmas! Be nice to her.
HUSBAND: I did. I got her a present. But she's still fat as shit.
ME: You're abusive!
CAT (HAPPILY, ROLLING OVER IN FRONT OF HUSBAND): Meooooooowwwwwwwww!
ME: You're a disgrace to battered women and cats everywhere, Gabby.
CAT PURRS LOUDLY.
Lol!
ReplyDeleteFunny thing.....you wrote about what I plan to blog next....but I was totally sold out by my husband in the matter of a bathroom foul...
ReplyDeleteI will just leave it at that.
Hi by the way. I am going to try to make it by more regularly.
MUAH!!
ah marriage.
ReplyDeleteso many new topics to write about in a blog.
if it's not D.I.Y. attempts, it's farts and kitties who love verbal abuse.
Nothing like a little push you down the basement stairs humor to add some true meaning to the holidays! Hilarious! He's got that lovable inmate kinda humor!!
ReplyDeleteWas it wrong that I laughed about the cat purring loudly? :P
ReplyDeleteBy the way, Happy New Year, Tricia! I wish you the best for 2012!
-Barb
Hahahaha!!
ReplyDeleteOh. I probably shouldn't laugh too loud...but it was funny :D Gabby is too funny. Also, be careful around steps please...
Xoxo