Friday, May 20, 2011

Will You Be My Gay Boyfriend?

I love me some flamboyant gay men.

My old friend Girard was always armed with the most random and lovely compliments.

“Your eyelashes look extra long and feathery today!”

“That freckle on your collarbone is adorable!”

I’ve decided it’s time to get a gay bestie, and Augusten Burroughs has been unresponsive to my advances. Incidentally, this really sucks because not only could he fulfill my greedy need for the obscure flattery that only gay men can provide, but he could introduce me to his publisher who would clearly lust after the opportunity to contract for my memoirs.

But, anyway…

I’m now accepting applications for a BFF.

The position doesn’t pay a salary, but I’ll feed you salacious bites of sexual information about my fiancĂ©, who is hot, ripped and heavily tattooed. Pictures are a possibility.

In exchange, I’ll expect you to suggest I wear fishnet shirts and squeal with me when we gossip. If you wear plaid pants and a campy hat, that would be marvelous.

Interviews will take place over chocolate martinis and under a disco ball, and you get bonus points if we dance. We’ll have slumber parties in marabou trimmed pajamas and watch porn while cattily picking apart everyone’s bodies and eating popcorn.

We’ll shamelessly listen to 80s music, and you’ll confide in me about your one-night stands or your boyfriend.

And I?

Will politely pretend I have no interest in watching the two of you make out.

14 comments:

  1. I am the saddest most masculine queen ever right now! I wish you were in Atlanta! I would so be filling out my application! :(

    Tell you what, I'll be your Cyber GBFF! How does that work out for ya?! I still think you're the funniest Blogger Chick Ever! MUAH!! ;)

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete
  3. I love the gays. I especially love flamboyant ones. Good luck in your search. :D

    ReplyDelete
  4. Man I wish my boobs looked like that! If they did I would flash them every where I went! Maybe even blog about them!


    thebluntonion.blogspot.com

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  5. Tricia-that's the first time anyone ever made me regret being straight. Damn!

    ReplyDelete
  6. how about a dyke bff? we can watch sports together

    then we can gossip and i'll bring out my nails. for scratching ... not paint

    we can go pump iron at the gym and i'll be in competition with all the men.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Hahahahahah!!!!
    I am so effing glad you don't keep these weird thoughts to yourself!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Every time I wear something new, my fabulous gay bestie immediately notices, faux pets his arm to indicate that he loves it, and then tells me how the color is SO PERFECT on me.

    I'd marry him if he could tolerate having sex with me once a year.

    ReplyDelete
  9. LOL. Ah, your posts always bring a smile to my face!!!

    ReplyDelete
  10. I used to really want a gay boyfriend when i was young. For the exact same reasons. Now I have a gay boyfriend and let me tell you sometimes I want to strangle him.

    Not because he's gay. Because he's annoying. And we've never drank chocolate martinis together...

    In a perfect world, he'd be just like Stanford in Sex and The City, but hotter so you could play wing-woman.

    Choose carefully!

    ReplyDelete
  11. i have a gay bestie for 14yrs now and im married i cant imagine life without him and i know he feels the same for me. we laugh and joke and do everything together my kids love him as an uncle , and we joke that one day were gonna be two old bitches in our rocking chairs laughing at everything still. we often call each other spongebob and patrick because we do and laugh at just about anything silly lol. good luck in your search . but believe me when you do find what your looking for. it will be SOOooo worth it :D much love x

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  12. p.s haha im the one with the gay bestie of 14yrs. we would so marry eachother without a second thought we know each other that well.

    ReplyDelete
  13. Oh gurl!! I think you understand perfectly the role of a gay bestie! :P Now, provided the alcohol is free during the time of the service, I think we can totally work something out!! :P

    I'm trying to build an ARMY of gay boys with my blog!! If lucky, you'll have MANY to choose from :) Great blog!!

    ReplyDelete

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