Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Details, Schmeetails

I’m a deadbeat bride.

I thought I was being girly enough. Doesn’t drinking champagne in my pajamas and reading bridal magazines count for anything anymore?

I thoroughly enjoy thinking about the wedding. But if you think I’m gonna get off my ass and go shopping for centerpieces, clearly we haven’t met.

I went dress shopping that one time and I’m still experiencing PTSD from claustrophobic dressing rooms and bedazzled tulle sausage casings.

I considered making the invitations myself, with sepia-toned photos and hand-punched rivets and beautiful cardstock. But then I realized I could order some shit with the click of a mouse from the comfort of my chair. Done.

Mama Bird contacts me twelve times daily to consult me about critical decisions regarding centerpieces and favors and I think my lackadaisical response frustrates her. My laziness should not be confused with ingratitude – when The Big Day rolls around, I will squeal delightedly like a piglet in a mud puddle.

Hi. 1985 called and invited these chairs to the prom.
Until then, though, I just can’t muster the appropriate reverence for table arrangements and flower selections. I like tables and I like flowers, and that’s really all I have to say about that.

I’m not the girl who will have a breakdown because the bows on the chair covers are the wrong shade of lilac. In fact, I think anyone who ties bows on chairs should be kicked in the kneecap.

It’s a good thing I’m not planning the details of this shindig or it would be a half-assed potluck washed down with a communal bottle of vodka after we mutter “I do…”


  1. Younger sister got married last year, was a bridezilla.

    Older sister getting married on June 23rd, is showing signs of bridezilla

    Middle sister aka me never getting married :)

  2. I happen to like half-assed potlucks. :)
    Suffice to say, I see no sin here...you enjoy it your way, and if that means not stressing out over centerpieces...more power to you!

  3. I wasn't much for the details, either. My mom, however? Holy frickin' moly. When I selected French onion soup instead of a nasty fruit cup as an appetizer she cried. CRIED. I caved, of course. It was soup, for God's sake. I couldn't wait to be married and away from all the drama.

  4. Your fuckit wedding sounds a lot like mine hahah

  5. See, my mama is GREAT with this stuff. I know everything will be beautiful and nice but she isn't over the top and crazy. I'm a lucky, lucky girl. :)

  6. My wedding was basically ALL my mom with my rule of simple, simple SIMPLE!

    Invitations...plain-jane white with an embossed rose, silver raised script, then ACK!!!! Inside my name...my ENTIRE NAME!!! My middle name which I guarded like a Templar Knight!!!

    I do wish I had insisted on my idea of a 50 guest cocktail party instead of a 150 guest reception...where the bakery delivered the WRONG CAKE! Oh well, we ate it.

    I also wish I insisted on a white version of my bridesmaids' dresses that they both were able to wear again.

    Oh, and the groom...'wish I had a different groom, 'cause twelve and 1/2 years later I put my dogs and clothes in my Jeep and left skid-marks!

  7. All the best for your wedding!!!
    Like the way you spilled your feelings over a wedding arrangement..believe me, too much of focus ruins the day..you are moving the right direction!!

    Hi, this is Fiducia...1st timer on your blog, but not for ever now!! Blogrolling you!

  8. Hahaha. I'm somewhere inbetween you and actual girlie. :) But, we still think alike. Why can't the alcohol be the centerpiece? What if there is a flower on the label? :)

  9. you are soooooo lucky you have help. my love and i did the whole thing.

    it's work.

    but it's worth it ... i'm so excited for you :)

  10. I guess I could be a bridezilla but I only if I were to marry a rich guy that could pay for all the details I want :-P j/k simple and elegant are my only requirements and I would wear green chucks ;-)

  11. I can't even muster trying to plan for this sort of event. I mean, for Christmas I sent Mom a present in which I proved that I could choose tablecloths with matching napkins, but that's about it.

    Good luck with the tulle bow chairs!



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