Wednesday, April 6, 2011

My Fuck-It List

It's kind of like a Bucket List, but more fun. It's a list of people I'd like to punch or kick before I die. I was in a dreamy sort of mood when I wrote out my Bucket List. Now that I've quit smoking, it seemed like the appropriate time to make out this list.

Nicki Minaj
She sings in baby talk while wearing a pink wig. Inexcusable.

Girls who makes the duck face for the camera
You don't look sexy, you look like dimwitted whores.

My Grandparents*
Because every child molester should be punched. Repeatedly.
*Don't worry, there are no other elderly people on my Fuck-It List...

Every guy who wears his pants sagging below a foot of exposed boxers
No explanation needed.

My ex
I paid thousands of dollars for my time with him and some sort of ROI would be appreciated.

The entire cast of Jersey Shore
Because those asshats get paid more money than I will make in a lifetime and I doubt they have a cumulative IQ of as much as Ronnie can bench press.

People with full carts who don't wave the person with three items ahead of them in line at the grocery store
First I'd like to punch you, then I'd like to punch your mother for raising such a rude person.

I realize I can't actually take on the entire IRS. Really, any employee will do.

My old landlord
You can't know how to speak English when rent is due, but forget how to speak it when shit is broken.

Parents of screaming children in any restaurant that doesn't serve combo meals
Integration is overrated, stay with your own kind. You go to McDonald's with your devil spawn and I'll go to the real restaurants.

Justin Beiber
You are not allowed to sing about love and heartbreak until you've grown your own pubic hair.

Every guy who has cheated on me
Because the nice guys I've dated have had to suffer the aftermath of your transgressions. This roundhouse is for them.

As much as I'd like to continue this list, I feel I ought to cut it off here. If it went on to itemize two hundred more folks I'd like to punch, you might begin to question my emotional stability.


  1. I've got a Fuck It list. But it's something different entirely.
    Maybe you can have continued updates to yours. Or a contest to vote on who should get hit first.

  2. I couldn't agree with you more. My hope is that one day, tiny barbie sized Flying monkeys will gather all the child molesters together and scrape out their brains with a tiny barbie sized spoon.

  3. I can pretty much agree with everyone on your list (especially Nicki Minaj, who I've documented my distaste for, and whose insufferable fans I would also recommend decking at random). I would also like to offer my assistance with your physical audit of the IRS...I'm a pretty big guy and I've been in a few fights, so I think between you in a fiery anime rage after a couple weeks of no cigs and and me, we could trash at least one regional office full of skinny pencil-necked pocket protector IRS types...let me know.

  4. I love Nicki Minaj! :) and her pink wig. I even want one. Seriously.

    Also guilty of duck faces and loving Justin Bieber.

    But with you on the rest. Punch away!

  5. You haven't given up drinking too have you?

  6. <--- this duckface-ish looking o.O? *hides under her bed*

  7. Fantastic List! If only there was a "punch a jerk in the face" holiday or something. That'd be a hoot.

  8. I propose an amendment to to your sagging pants item if only because it too is denim related.
    skinny jeans…
    One guy makes the mistake of buying jeans on the wrong side of The Gap and we all have to suffer for it? Fuck that.

  9. OOH! Good one! I hate skinny jeans boys, too!!

  10. I haven't heard of the "fuck face". I call it the space face because there's usually a peace-sign to complete the stupid pose.

  11. ^oops, I meant duck face, not fuck face :)

  12. Ok I must admit the title of your blog got me all excited and I was hoping I would be on THAT list. The list I was thinking of did involve fists but not in a punching motion.

    I know, I'm dirty and you love it.

    How's the quitting smoking going? Just a hunch that it's still the teeth grinding stage if you're posting about a punch list.

  13. @Jess C: You were right first time, FuckFace is better. It fits in with the dimwitted whore tag.

  14. Add another person to your list: MTV executives/producers. Thanks to them, France now has the glorious joy of watching the Jersey Shore.

    There is no way I'm telling any future students that I was born in New Jersey. They might think that I am like Snookie...who was born in Chile. :-P


  15. You're totally right about Justin Bieber. It's kind of annoying, really. Like--creepy-annoying.

    like, can i be a little worried the world is with a quasi-pubescent boy? please? it's mass ephebophilia.

    I really, really want to see what he looks like when he's, like, 40 or 50. What kind of trainwreck do you imagine his life will become???

  16. Cynic'sFavoriteDadApril 7, 2011 at 8:43 AM

    Good list, but you missed a couple of the more prominent uterus-for-profit pigs: Octomom, the medical staff that helped perpetrate Octomom, Kate Gosselin. I rarely wish early, protracted, and grisly death on anyone, but I'm willing to consider a few exceptions.

  17. hipsters:
    spend 300 bucks on skinny jeans, pre-worn. [hate them!]
    100 on a haircut that looks like a blind 5 year old did it.
    30 clams on "product" to make said hair look messier, and an hour to "style" it.
    250 on ray-bans that are re-issue of the dime-store one's WE wore in 1983. awful then awful now.

    and they want everyone to think they just grabbed this crap at a thrift shop- gasp! which they did not! and give attitude to people older and poorer then they are- like they invented this awful "style" themselves.

    this is the precise reason i no longer go to brooklyn- williamsburg neighborhood to visit my friends... last time i went i had to be escorted out- i was winding up a punch. no lie. let 'em fly, bitches!

    hipster fucks- buy p.b.r. with a 100 dollar bill, and get dropped off by livery service to the bar. fuck them.

  18. Nicki Minaj and the McDonalds/Restaurant one! So with you!


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