After the Sesame Street scandal, I suggested that Neil and Reena ought to dress as Katy Perry and Elmo for Halloween - an aroused Elmo. Katy was too sexy in that video, after all, and the Sesame Street execs had to yank the bit.
So off I went in search of the necessary materials to make a strap-on. A red, fuzzy strap-on. Martha Stewart, step aside.
- One fuzzy red Christmas sock
- One paper towel roll, stuffed to keep it from wilting under pressure
- One heavy-duty elastic physical therapy band with extra-strength velcro edging
Out came the sewing kit, and I carefully assembled the woody and stitched it into place, using bolsters on the underside to ensure an erection lasting longer than four hours.
My mom criticized the boner, telling me it was too big. A muppet wouldn't be so well-endowed, she claimed. I told her that the last time I slept with a muppet, he was hung like Snuffleupagus, and to pipe down.
My brother came over, I slit his pants and he climbed into the strap-on. The boner was threaded through his pants, and VOILA!
TRICK OR TREAT!
With domestic skills like these, I'll make someone a helluva wife someday, no?