When I was fifteen, I moved out because I knew everything. Near as I can count, I've moved fourteen times since then - and I no longer know shit. But at least it gives me an excuse to clean every year or two. Which brings me to my next subject...the butt plug.
At age 26, I took a job selling sex toys. My parents were insanely proud, especially when I explained to them over dinner that I had to buy $1300 worth of vibrators as demo models for the home parties. My dad choked on his soup and off I went to save the orgasmically deprived.
I did this part-time for nearly a year, and made some decent bank doing it. But if I never again have to explain through a bullhorn to a bunch of snickering middle-aged women giddy on wine coolers how a rabbit works, it will be too soon. So I retired.
Which left me with...$1300 worth of unused (except for handing around at parties) sex toys. So I put some in my parents' Christmas stockings, I gave some away to friends, and I kept the creme de la creme for my own kitty.
left me with
a lot of sex toys,
FIRE ENGINE RED
While cleaning out my closets and packing again, I realized I have packed and moved this butt plug FIVE times. And guess what? It's not any closer to my asshole than it will EVER be. Let me state this as clearly as possible:
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH VODKA
IN THE WORLD FOR THIS TO HAPPEN
So I've decided to pay it forward, and host my first giveaway contest on my blog. The good news is that everyone who has donated to my Laptop Love fund gets an automatic entry. To get that entry retracted, you'll need to donate again.
In addition to my Laptop Lovers, everyone who comments on this post will be entered to win Big Red. On Saturday, I will throw the names in a hat and declare the lucky winner. I'll even kick in for the shipping. Are you clenching in fear yet?
Don't say I never gave you anything. Cheers!