Thursday, November 4, 2010

My Opinions, for Sale

Today I was approached by a company wanting me to do product reviews and giveaways for them on my blog - products like cookware and home furnishings.

Let's ponder this for a moment, shall we?

My mother cooks my food for me and all of my 'home furnishings' are jammed in a storage locker because technically - I'm homeless. I'm residing in my parents' guest room like a sloth.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not opposed to pimping shit to my readers and providing helpful reviews. But it damn well better be for stuff I want and use. Here are some examples.

Plastic Surgery
If you are a surgeon and would like to augment my breasts or suck the fat out of my ass at no charge, I'd be happy to document and review the entire procedure, including sharing the horrifying before pictures.

If my nipples end up pointing askew like this,
you will NOT receive a rave review...

Tattoos
I want more work anyway, so if you need publicity, let's talk. Tattoo me for free and I'll tell everyone you've got a touch that's like being kissed by kittens.


Salon Services
Exploit me to tout the benefits of a makeover. I'll willingly undergo no-cost laser hair removal, eyebrow shaping, and the application of hair extensions for the greater good of mankind and the promotion of your salon.

Potential Dates
If you have a (hot) guy you're interested in, but you have concerns of some sort, let me know. I'd be happy to sleep with him and report back to you - and all my other readers - on his prowess in the sack.

Benzodiazapines
Feel free to send me your Xanax, Valium and Halcion and I'll let you know of any alarming side effects and counsel my readers on proper recreational dosing.

I make you happy!
Miscellaneous
I'm always available to review flowers, vibrators, chocolate, champagne and gourmet food, as well as vacation travel to destinations that encourage happy ending massages for women.

17 comments:

  1. Shameless... but potentially profitable no?

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  2. I am a freebie whore, I totally sold out to them, and raked in some Christmas gifts. You should do it, all they want is for you to use a word with a link, they give you ANYTHING free (I got three things) and just review it on THEIR site. I may be asked to return a few items if they read this, but to that, I say, they are suckers for thinking I can boost their business anywho!

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  3. I think I'm jealous.... *do it* AND when you're raking in the big buck come to NY AND save my life. Hugs!

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  4. Lol u should rate a house! Or house as long as u get to keep them after! Ha sweet! Good deal for everyone! Lovin the blog keep up the good work!
    Well worth my time
    Kevin! ;)

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  5. At this point you could probably have your mother use the home products and have her tell you what she thinks. Team work is totally under rated.

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  6. DO IT TRICIA. Who doesn't love free things? Something happens when you apply the word "free" next to an object, it just makes it so incredibly cool. Oh that rock? It's free. YES! I NOW LOVE ROCKS SO MUCH & WANT ONE SO BADLY AHH!

    ps. voted for you ;)

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  7. Do it ! do it and don't be idiot :)

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  8. Tricia-let me know when the offers come pouring in. Although my blog is strictly aphorisms, I'd be glad to review any product guaranteeing the user eternal life.

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  9. If someone came up to me and wanted me to advertise home stuff on my blog I'd go for it! What would it hurt? I'm sure you could find something funny to say about anything. Think of it as a challenge!

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  10. You definitely have some interesting, and hilarious content.

    Possibly a physical newsletter, nothing major, just 4 pages, 2 sided, once a month, with all your hilarious opinions. It's worth money.

    Those breasts are crazy by the way, ha ha.

    Wil,
    http://www.BlushCabaretFlagstaff.com

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  11. Be careful with the plastic surgery, though. You don't want to end up looking *worse* than before you had the surgery a la Heidi Montag (not that I'm saying you need anyway). ^.^

    -Barb the French Bean

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  12. LOL I love your blog!! Read a couple of them and you are hilarious. Will definetly be back to take a peek at the next posts. Great job

    Thanks
    http://crystalcanole.blogspot.com

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  13. PLEASE tell me that boob job is fake. PLEASE tell me someone didn't do that poor girl like that! LMAO!

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  14. That could be the most awesome boob job I've yet to see. So real, so exquisitely performed.

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  15. One word. Or perhaps acronym.

    LMFAO.

    Nuff said!

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  16. Some images will last a long time...just you wait and see.

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  17. You posts are histerical. I am sticking around

    ReplyDelete

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