|Life Lesson: Hats are Good|
I've been terribly busy puking and herding clowns (as pictured), but I meant to write sooner. We have things to talk about.
Get some immediately. I left you unsupervised with your parents for two weeks and all your hair fell out except the Bozo ring. Not cool. This is not a Fashion Do.
My friend is knitting you a hat and I'll go without food to buy you a few more if need be. Just cover that head for now, it's better for all of us.
You'll need to start on your parents immediately and I reckon we can convince them that you need a dog for, say, your third birthday. Planning begins now.
|Life Lesson: Never Miss a Chance to Wear a Tutu|
Don't tell your parents that sometimes dogs poop on the floor and we don't know why. Perhaps they need to go outside seven times instead of just six. And don't tell them that when you bark at said dogs NO! Bad MoFo! they will cower like you're going to beat them with a Louisville Slugger and you'll be tempted to poop on the floor in solidarity just to show them it really will be OK and nobody is going to die today.
Don't tell Mom and Dad that if you leave a dog alone for four minutes it will go to any lengths to kiss a cat. Crazy climbed up on the kitchen table to hide this morning. Dolly clambered up and army-crawled across the table in pursuit.
Don't tell them that dogs are the most manipulative creatures on the face of the planet. You will No dogs in the bed! but somehow the delirious love in their crossed eyes will render you unable to resist their stealthy persistence. Dolly may have made out with Uncle Paul's face as he slumbered last night but please don't mention that to him.
|Life Lesson: Deny, Deny, Deny|
Instead you should tell your folks how warm your lap is under 23 pounds of pokey elbows and stinky fur. Tell them that somehow doggy breath smells like salty ass and angel kisses all at once. Consider pitching a heaving tantrum every time you're forced to part with a random dog you encounter in public.
Also explain how a dog will allow you to demonstrate your superior levels of personal responsibility. Because of course you will take care of it. And yes, you know that means every day. Seriously. Every day. Yes - even if it's raining. Indeed, dogs poop through all four of the seasons, including winter when you will just die if you're forced to play outside instead of staying cooped up in the house driving your parents nutty. You totally know this.
|Life Lesson: |
Never Give Up On Your Dreams
Suggested breeds to demand:
Bull Mastiffs - These make excellent ladders due to their massive size and general in-irritability. Perfect for obtaining treats you aren't supposed to be able to reach, which you can then share with the dog to ensure future compliance during all missions.
French Bulldog - Bullies have the most flexibility on Halloween and can accurately portray a scary bat, Yoda or a Princess Leia. Also they fart a lot which is good for a laugh.
Chinese Crested Hairless - This is a great breed if you like the name Gizmo. Oh, and Gremlins - you're not allowed to see that movie until you are seven because you'll have night terrors. Trust me.
In conclusion, my sweet Priya, we'll make sure dog is one of your first few words. I figure we can slip it in right after mama, dada, auntie and no.
Until next time, baby girl.