Dolly, Rock It!
This simple command requires a moment or two of physical assault and was mastered instantly in our house. She a pro.
Using only seventeen treats per day, hold one in your hand and stare at her until she stops frantically trying to climb your leg and sits down in exhaustion. When her butt hits the floor, give her a treat, gradually increasing the wait time and requiring her to sit there quaking tragically in anticipation. In a few short weeks, we've reduced climb time to only ten seconds and sit/stay time to two full seconds.
Dolly, You Can't Sleep in the Bed Because Dad Says So
Training a dog not to sleep in the bed requires patience and a warm, comfortable alternative. We started with a beanbag chair next to the bed and when she opted for spooning between us instead, we added a blanket. Some toys. A treat. A masseuse. Ambient lighting. Repetition. She hops in bed, we gently and lovingly tuck her into her own nest of faux fur and pillows. The training is progressing nicely - she often waits until Dad falls asleep before slinking back to her rightful spot smack in the middle of the bed.
Outside is NOT, in Fact, Torture
I'm teaching Dolly this command by never beating her with a baseball bat or lead pipe when we make her go outside for a walk. I don't even hit her with my hands. Instead I praise her like Jesus when she pees in the yard and add a massive t-bone shaped treat when she drops a deuce. I bought her a fleece jacket to go over her everyday Drama Queen shirt, to keep her trembling chills at bay. I'd say we've made moderate progress and she will sometimes go outside for roughly four minutes before crying to return to her warm new castle. Often we make it all the way to the park which is two houses down the street.
Crazy the Cat has a signature moved called the Piss Punch. It's where she corners Dolly and hisses in her face whilst throwing rapid left hooks across the face. This terrifies Dolly and she pees. One would think Dolly would not need to be trained to avoid this move, but she calmly and sweetly approaches Crazy 93 times daily begging to be friends. My training program here involves rapid intervention and redirection of attention every single time, along with a sharp finger tap to Crazy's nose and a stern NO before she crosses the line from smack talk to beatdown. Next I remind Dolly that abused women do not need to keep seeking out their torturers. So far I've made no progress on this command but I'm hopeful.
This directive is reinforced by putting her back into the aforementioned cozy nest beside our bed each time she tries to make out. She's learning quickly; learning that it's better to just rape us in our sleep.
Dolly, SMELL GOOD!
I'm hereby convinced that this is an unteachable command. Gourmet food. Brush. Bubble bath. Scented dog wipes. All we can smell is salty butt. You win, Dolly. You win.